Dear JD,

I write to you with the title of a stranger, because I have no other ‘letter title’ that would fit what you are to me. And I suppose I really don’t know you that well as in really know you to call you a friend or anything more than an acquaintance.

But I suppose I’ll get right to it: your arrogance, attitude, and the way you carry yourself stifles the fuck out of me. I have never really liked you, I have heard all these girls talk about how awesome you are or how attractive you are and blah blah, and all your posts on   facebook make you seem highly intelligent, but to be honest I don’t you are that great looking. You’re just another overrated fagboy to me. Then again I don’t know you that well, but from what I do know I wouldn’t want to.

Enough of the background - this is why you deserve a letter amongst all these anonymous people: that one time we took that trip with a few mutual friends and you got left and was messaging me on FB, venting an whatnot; you confessed this undying affection for me. Claiming you had this crush on me since you first saw me, and that I was so awesome, real, and beautiful to you. And that you would do anything and vowed that one day you would kiss my lips, even if only once.

It made me the happiest girl alive knowing that me turning you down probably killed your ego. Because you act like you can get anything that you want. And it was pleasing to me to deny you. And throw your vulnerability in your face. 

If you weren’t being serious, I saved my time.

If you were being serious, I hoped you learned the lesson of modesty, and how to be humbled. Especially in the presence of a fucking lady.

So I’ll continue being that ‘what if’ to you. Because you will NEVER know what its like to have this. Because you and your attitude aren’t fucking worthy of it. :D

Dear ASG,

I wanted to write one of these letters but i couldn’t find one that quit described our relationship, so i guess this is as close as i will get. haha

I suppose you just inspire me. In a way that makes me want to be better. But not change who i am…like me as an individual is perfect in my own way, so i don’t need to change, just better every natural thing. My intelligence, judgement, thought process, and perception of life and situations.

 I love the way you look at the world. Things bother you, sure, but you never let it get to you or bring you down. And you’re always so open to new things, new people, and new experiences. Genuinely a good person. And the world is definitely in short of people like you.

I just felt like i needed to express the utmost high respect i have for you, so that all may know that despite what you think or what others think: in my opinion you are one of the smartest, most amazing, intriguing person i have ever known.

Nature's first green is gold, 
Her hardest hue to hold. 
Her early leaf's a flower; 
But only so an hour. 
Then leaf subsides to leaf. 
So Eden sank to grief, 
So dawn goes down to day. 
Nothing gold can stay.

Stay Gold.

Dear HMB,

This is the only letter title I had left that was even remotely close to my feelings toward you. 

I’m going to start off my saying that, you’re a cunt. I think that would be a good way to address you considering what you have done to me..I think the first time we actually talked and attempted to be friends was the end of freshman year or the beginning of sophomore year? Not 100% sure, but I’ll tell you, the first time I saw you I thought you were pretty, but there was something about you that just wasn’t right. You were just that kind of person I don’t like. Never have and most likely never will. Its not really anything you did to me personally to start all this hatred, its just one of those things. 

You think that just because I “put out” everyone loves me and wants to be my friend instead of yours, WRONG. I don’t fucking put out all the time, I’m not that kind of person.  But you wouldn’t know that because you make these crazy assumptions before actually knowing people, and that’s one of the characteristics you have that drives people away from you. Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU were the reason no one wanted to chill with you?

Secondly, I don’t do things on purpose to get at you or to fuck you over. I couldn’t give two shits less about you, honestly so why would I waste my fucking time plotting to make your life miserable, obviously its bad enough without my help? At least that’s how you make it seem. You and what you do means nothing to me. I don’t give a fuck. I live my life and make my decisions for me, not you or anyone else.

By now you probably realize that I DON’T REALLY CARE. I’m good at not caring, that’s what has got me this far through all my bullshit that I can promise has been worse than anything you could ever imagine. But aside from not caring about petty things, you have gone where most ladies fear to go, and I want you to know how I feel about it.

You. Fucked. Adam. Don’t jump and automatically assume you know how I know this because I promise, how I found out is the last way you would have thought. Don’t get pissy because your secrets out, if you were afraid that people would find out you should have never done it. Now I understand if you were angry with me because I “steal” your friends/lovers (see paragraph 2), and you wanted to get even, but really bitch. Really? When I came over that night you were there to get my things I gave him hell about fucking you. I Told him to fuck you good just for me. Haha You are both pathetic. Its so sad that you had to resort to him to try and get at me. And Don’t fucking say that’s not why you did it. You used him because that was all you fucking had on me. That’s how it always goes, yea doll, this isn’t my first rodeo with shit like this.  Maybe that’s why I have/keep friends/lovers and you don’t. I don’t give people a reason to hate on me. And because they have no legit reason to hate me, they go for the things that are most precious to me, just to try and drag me down into their pit of self-destruction. Just because you are unhappy doesn’t mean everyone has to be unhappy with you. Figure your shit out before you fuck with people and their happiness.

I’m self made bitch so back your shit up. You can’t bring me down, haha no matter how hard you try or how dirty you play I will always win. And you wanna know why? Because I play clean. And even though you may be ahead at times, I. Will. Always. Win. You’re a smart girl, I’m surprised that you haven’t figured that one out already.

PS- Grow the fuck up before you try to play in the big girl world.

Dear MJB,

We were “reunited” I guess you could say four days ago and haven’t been separated since. It’s so ironic to me that I end up meeting you again after almost two years? haha What a small town we live in. ANYWAYS, these past few days have been amazingly fun, and I can’t even lie, I was muggin’ you the moment Kelsey brought you in the house. :O

You’re crazy fun and I feel like we could be awesome together, because we are both so chill and both enjoy pretty much the same things, just do me a favor? Don’t fuck me over. Weather we stay friends, or become something more, just be completely honest with me. I would rather you hurt my feelings with honesty instead of being “lead on” for lack of a better phrase. lol but no worries, right now I think very highly of you and you seem like a good person. 

Now heres the part that ties in with the title, I think that since we are so much alike and I’m already clicking with you, that soon you’ll start learning more and more about me. Its nothing bad, but to me, I see these things as flaws and blemishes in my personality and you’re so sweet, and I am kinda starting to like you and I don’t want to like freak you out with all my “craziness”. haha I guess what i’m trying to say is I’m afraid to like you too much because I’m scared once you get to know me you won’t like me. :P But I like the idea of you being a person that I’m really close to.

btw - I over think things especially when I’m nervous. And sometimes you make me nervous. In a good way? so if you do end up finding this and reading it, please don’t be weirded out. I’m a weirdo..lol

Ps- You’re adorable. :]

Dear PLN,

I seriously hate you right now. You’re probably the first person I have started to open up to in a good minute. At first it was kind of weird but you started growing on me. I liked you so much because I can 100% myself and you like it. :] and I like you for the way you are. And everything could just be so awesome. NOT.

Why did i have to like you? Because everything was going GREAT and then you just disappeared. Am I seriously that repulsive? I didn’t think I was that bad? Anyways, I finally grew some balls and texted you about it, I don’t wait around for people that like to play games, and you want to be with me but you want to be single to.

Well guess what, you can’t have both. And I’m not waiting on your ass very long. You’re my crush, I’m not in love with you. So you better make up your fucking mind because when I’m gone, thats it. Chance gone.

Life is too short to wait around on bullshit to blow over. 

This kind of sounds hateful but its not..I just really like you and wish you liked me enough to not have to decide between being single or have a relationship. Obviously I’m nothing special if you have to ponder it for a week.

Dear DJK,

I think we met about two yeas ago? almost two years ago, at the time I was dating one of your friends and the first time we all hung out it was me you matt and zach and we had just smoked two fat ones, and you stuffed a whole fudge round in your mouth at once. That has no relevance to anything but I mean seriously..who the fuck does that?! xD 

Anyways me and Matt didn’t last and we still kind of stayed in contact through the months and you and zach ended up moving in for a goo 8 months, and you kind of took the place of my big brother. I knew you always had my back and was there for me when I needed you or when some asshole..justin..*cough* *cough*..hurt me. I was there for all the girls you would get on with then dump off somewhere, first, claiming they were “the one” then just abruptly decided you wanted something else. I feel like I was a pretty good wing man for the record. 

But just like every girl I went through my phase of thinking you were the guy for me, but seeing all the bitched you brought around i got the feeling that I wasnt the kind of girl you preferred - I wasn’t blonde, skinny, and all tanned up all year around with my french manicure I was just that girl that was one of the guys. so I acepted that and moved on. and sure enough after all this time you bust up saying you have had a crush on me this whole time and you think we would be great together. SIGHHHH.

Newsflashhhh!!! » you waited too long. I cant like you that way. Its just weird. I’m flattered but after seeing you run around with all those girls, Ikind of get the feeling I’m your last resort because you hate being alone.

Don’t get me wrong I still love you to death and I always will, you’re like my family but I just don’t see us as being anymore. and now its kind of weird between us. But nothing to crazy. IDGAF. haha

**You were the last person I pinky-promised, and I’m pretty sure i promised to let you bit me when we got home…too bad that didn’t happen..

Dear SLW,

My first impression of you was that you were like me, a bit more girly, but had the same sort of mindset/ outlook on life as I did, laid back, drama free, and just cool with everyone. So we became great friends. You fucking moved in with me for christ sake. Then I started to see the real you. 

I WAS WAY OFF WHEN I ASSUMED YOU WERE A STRAIGHT FRIEND. You are the biggest, skankiest lying bitch I have ever met in my life. I was nothing but a good friend to you, and you used me and once you got what you wanted you left and I still havent heard from you. I guess thats when you became too good to text me back, or return my calls. Thats all you ever do. Dig at people and use them for what they’re worth then go on to the next one that will let your nasty mooching ass jump on them like a mother fucking leach.

I try to be a good person and not judge people because it isn’t my place to, and I try to be cool with everyone and not hate on people until I hate good reason to because I don’t know everyone. I don’t know their story, or their personality. The weird thing is though is that everyone of my BEST FRIENDS I hated them at first. haha then I realized they were good people. So when I met you I tried that whole “I’m not going to assume she all bad since I have only just met her” little did i know…

Go die in hell you orange, fake, two-faced cunt.

Dear SAS,

You are definitely one of my best friends. We are complete opposites that complete one another. I’m retarded, loud, hyper all the time and too social for my own good and you play the motherly role with your wisdom and ability to stay calm and not commit murder when attempting to deal with me. xD Not to mention you’re sexy as hell! OWWOWW!

So why would a pretty lady like yourself associate with a crazy bitch like me? I’m the kind of person you want to stab in the neck… lol. Maybe we just balance each other out.

I put you in the most awkward situations(you secretly like it) that culture you and bring you out of your shell while you just  stare a hole through me to calm me down or just beat my ass because I’m acting retarded again. I’ll never understand the power of that stare, but it gets me every time. 

I just read through that and it didn’t make any sense. I hope you know what I’m talking about. :D I’m sure you will.

ANYWAYSSSS, You ave always been that anchor for me. You’re such a strong independent woman and you endlessly inspire me. We are just freaking awesome when we are together. Creativity and epicness leaks from our pores!!!!!!! haha

Its just good to know that you are always there and just for the record I’m always here if you need me! I love you to death and in my opinion, the kind of relationship we have as friends could never be matched. Its too weird. No one can get on our level.

That is all.

I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!!!!

ps-my octopus is going to ink all over your owl bitch. xD

Dear DDE,

Ever since high school, I have had a thing for you. And I finally got to have you, but life grabbed us by the balls and you just..left. After that i went from seeing you everyday to every couple years. You moved away and went into the military and we still talked everyday but it was never good enough to suffice. Then you ended up finding a girl. And we didnt get to talk as much but still did often, but while all this was going on and still to this day, literally, not a day goes by that I don’t think about you in some way. 

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Even after you got married and we stopped talking all together, you were constantly on my mind. I couldn’t do anything about it. Nothing has ever done that to me. I would be randomly driving around and be thinking about how I would react if I just randomly saw you out, knowing that there was no way in hell I would. Two years of not talking didn’t phase me. You were still apart of me weather you wanted to be or not. My conscience refused to let you go, and I, being the host of my rebellious thoughts, just had to deal. In the best most calm way possible because I was on the verge of going completely bananas. 

But everything happens for a reason, and this proved true because now that you have been shipped overseas we are free to talk again, thanks god.  You were always more than my best friend and meant more than a lover. You are different. I’m the impatient type and its very rare that you find me waiting after so long. 

Life separated us almost 5 years ago and I have only actually seen you twice for only hours each yet, we still look out for each other, still think about each other and how things could have been. We go in and out of each others lives but we always manage to make our way back. And that honestly surprises me. But what bugs me the most is, ‘Why?’.  Why have things worked out this way? 

I guess in time we will know.

Be safe over there, keep in touch and I’ll be there waiting when you come home.

Dear KDI,

You’re an amazing person. You are so different and mysterious, yet fun and crazy. I like the energy you have and how you have self respect. Most girls these day just don’t give a fuck. But you confuse the hell out of me. One minute you want to step into big kid shoes and run with the older guys then the next you running away yelling ‘no don’t touch me!’ .

I admire your uniqueness and outgoing personality but sometimes i worry about you. You’re only 17. One day you’re going to fuck around with the wrong guy and when you don’t give it up he’s going to take it. And i would be so overwhelmed with emotions if that happened to you because you are such a sweetheart. and so innocent. 

I feel like we are pretty close, even closer because we can relate to each other on levels that the average person wouldn’t be able to grasp. I feel like I’m supposed to take care of you, and that you look up to me. And that kind of scares me. I like you around hoping that you will have more positive vibes on me but I’m trying to keep myself from causing you to change. 

You’re so up and down and all around and that in itself shows just how young you still are. Thats a bummer because I was kinda crushing on you. But in a weird way. In a way that is riddled with fascination. Like I said…you’re just so different. You intrigue me. I want to know what makes you tick and the method to the madness. I have no doubts that you will grow to be a smart independent woman, but I hope you stay weird. If that makes any sense.

Dear JTR,

Where do I begin. You’re the guy version of me. constantly chasing the next best high, wanting to try everything, against everything that is socially acceptable, but also the most chill laid back person around. I remember going to school with you. You were the bad boy that knew the best places to get fucked up and where to get anything your heart desired. And you conveniently lived 6 houses down from me. After I got older and started kind of getting out there we became better friends. Then it developed into a crush thing. My best friend at the time couldn’t keep her hands off you but little did she know you had your eye on me.

The months went on, we became closer. You exposed me to a whole new world. A world beyond society. More hardcore forms of drugs, pills, hallucinogens, and more opportunities to be all kinds of fucked up. I fell in love with you and what you were about. You weren’t getting fucked up because that was the thing to do, you were doing it to expand your mind. And that is beautiful to me. I wanted to be there. I wanted to experience it with you. You are the only person I will ever trust to do anything like that with. We were perfect together. Both of us were just mellow ass hippies trying to make it in a modern world. A world where neither of us fit in.

The times I was with you was the most carefree days of my life. I knew you had me. And that for once I didn’t have to worry about everyone else being ok. I knew that whatever we did you would be fine, so there wasn’t any need to  worry. I finally had the chance to just sit back and explore my high-let it consume me-get lost in it.

But here is the painful part: You didn’t want me the way I wanted you. You were amazing to me. And I thought we were perfect for each other, But when you cheated on me and left me-ever since then I have never felt that feeling of being completely carefree and lost within my own imagination. And it isn’t because I’m heartbroken over you, it was because I was never comfortable to do that with anyone else but you. We had the same outlook on life. To us being fucked up was exploring what everyone else was too scared of. And I hate you for taking that feeling away from me. As selfish as it sounds. It hurt me because I fell for you so hard and effortlessly then you just, left.

You were just so different. Different the way I am. I finally had found someone that was the same as me-born in the wrong era-to us everything was beautiful. and to me you were beautiful. Everything about you from your personality to the little things, like the way you were artsy like me, the little faces that you made, the way you would kiss me…I’m not sure if I was just too fucked up to see what was seriously going on, but I feel like we could have done great things together. You were the person that helped me see the other side of the world.

Anyways, whats done is done. I hope you’re happy with that fat russian bitch that cheats on you with 14 year olds. As much as I would like to, we will never be together again…Just know that you have forever changed my outlook on the world and its beauty.

PS-I also hate you for destroying “the baby”. I would have loved to smoke some of her, you asshole.

Dear AIB,

When I was a freshman in high school I was a no-body. I wasn’t cute, or stylist, or really talked to anyone. Then as the year went on I started getting notice. and obviously i was pretty enough to get noticed by you. The first thing you ever said to me was, “Hey! Love your profile song!” (it was all myspace back then) and it went from there. the most amazing love any two young people could have. We were only three months in when you broke it off, but I was wholly devoted and in love with you. Right from the start.

A few months passed and I gave you another shot but the same thing happened again- perfection for a few months then you would leave me again for another girl, or because you “just didn’t feel like being in a relationship” or some retarded excuse. And here we are 4 years later. Grown up and still trying to set things straight. We are two completely different people now then we were back then going from two straight-edge punk kids through a phase of drugs and alcohol to get to this point. 

And I really wish I knew what this point was. Because right now, I am scared shitless. I feel like I can’t trust you after everything that has happened but then again I want to. And I don’t want to love you but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to be hurt again like soooo many times prior. I know at this point I am probably making things sound like its all you, but I have never did you wrong, and never had the intent to. And my bitchy attitude the past few months was induced by work stress and the fact that I was catching you giving your number out to girls and lying again. And that just made me feel like a stupid idiot for having faith in someone like you. 

But regardless of the drama and all painful memories aside, you’re “the one”. You’re the one person that I’ll always drunk dial and cry to, the one that I will think about at the end of the night, and the one that I will always carry in my heart till the end of my days. And i wish so desperately that we could be together. There are so many good things that could come of that, and I wish you could see that there is only one thing holding us back.

I don’t want to let go or quit on us. we have come too far. Worked too hard for too long. I’m not expecting a perfect relationship because there is no such thing, but there are too many good memories to just let it go, but I am afraid that if you make me wait too long, I won’t love you the same. Time will have moved me on against my will and sure enough, knowing you, you’ll have everything straight as soon as I’m gone for good. I’m just so confused. Do I really mean the world to you? The past three months we have been split up so that you could get on your feel and figure some shit out but I see no progress. All I see is you trying to live like you have for as long as possible and you’re willing to put our love on the line just so you don’t have to change your lifestyle. I don’t want you as a person to change, i just want you to get the ball rolling so maybe we can start a life together.

I really have no idea what I have gotten myself into, if its worth it, or if its all just some stupid game. But I wish you would put in some effort to figuring that out with me. That would be awesome. But what I do know is that I am still completely in love with you. So much so that your flaws are beautiful to me. And in my head i see us married, with two twin girls, a great family in a cute house with two big dogs and a hedgie. Am I stupid for thinking that? Is that pointless to wast my thoughts on? I hate not knowing whats going on. I have too much on my mind but I somehow always make room for you, even if it means my brain will explode.

Dear G-LT,

You know I used to come down and visit every year for at least a week out of the summer and for the past three years, I haven’t. And I’m sorry. I miss how we would do all the cliché crap that grandmas and granddaughters do like cook, make things, you always taught me how to do something new. And it was always useful stuff because you never wanted me to be helpless. You wanted me to be a strong independent woman. And congrats, you have succeeded. haha Almost to the point where I can’t keep a relationship because I do everything myself, I accept no help. Ever. And for some reason people get butt-hurt when you tell them you don’t need their help…?

Anyways, you know why I haven’t come to visit. Please don’t think it has anything to do with you because it is nothing like that. I could never hate you, be angry with you, or anything. Its because of him. And it kills me because I miss you so much. You’re my family for cryin’ out loud. But as long as he is still around, I won’t be. And I’m sorry but thats the truth.

I guess thats pretty much it. This subject is kind of touchy so thats all I got. Love you, miss you.

Dear DHS,

I remember the first time I saw you. I didn’t like you. I had no reason to not like you because I didn’t know you but it never helped your case that you looked EXACTLY like the boy responsible for my broken heart. But all petty speed bumps aside- you have changed my life. I met you my sophomore year (your Freshman year) and after you started talking to paige more and actually coming around we became pretty good friends. Then we became best friends. :]

Now we are like family! haha You’re like the little brother I never had and you have always been there for me through everything. I have learned so much from you (you were always the logical one). You’re one of the few people that knows everything about me and can relate to it too. I seriously believe that you taught me how to love again. Not necessarily love as in a relationship but just to love in general and to not be so closed off and bitter.

You taught me how to forgive. And I’m so grateful that I get to call you my friend.

You really couldnt fathom how much I care about you. Real talk. I try my hardest not to let it show, but I’m am so protective over you. Just understand this: I know you, I know what kind of person you are. I know you have so much potential you have and I know you have a pure soul. and I don’t want ANYONE to take that away or ruin it. 

You’re one of a kind, and I hope and pray that I am just as good of a friend to you as you have been to me. God knows I try my hardest. But I’m writing you this letter because you know how I am-hard headed and not easily swayed from my path of choice-and you, my dearest friend, have had more influence on me then I am comfortable with allowing; but I can’t help but let it in. I know I can trust you. 

And to me thats the most amazing connection two people can have.

Thank you, and know that I love you and will care for you till the end of my days.

Dear TLS,

Well, its been a while since I have wrote you a letter, your birthday and death-date are coming up so it was going to happen again sooner or later, except this time its not on paper. Its been three years, well almost, and I’m still thinking about you often. I miss you so much, its retarded.

There is so much crap that has happened since you have been gone. I went down a path I never thought I would, and probably would have felt more comfortable about traveling that road if it was with you. I have met some of the greatest people, I know you would like them too. We are alike when it comes to making new friends- Strangers are the best. But I have also met some of the worst, and been in some of the most awful, places. But when I think of you, it brings light to the corners of my dark, corrupted mind and everything is ok…for the most part.

There have been days where your hug could have been the perfect bandaid and the silly things you did would be more than enough to make me smile and get me through my issues, and just the thought that you had that much effect on me and influence on my life and emotions is what keeps me afloat.

Again, its been almost three years, and I think I’m finally coming to grips that I won’t see you running toward me like a retard anymore so we can go raise hell somewhere, and that I won’t see that orange, curly hair or those green eyes anymore. And that makes me sad, of course, but not too sad because I know that you’re not completely gone. You’re still in my heart and soul, and will always have your special place there. And when I see you out of my peripheral I know its just my mind replaying past memories that once took my breath away.

I love you, and miss more than ever.

PS-Your mom and Tasha are doing pretty good. Just know they love and miss you too.